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8 things i wish i knew before separating

So you either had an ‘aha!’ moment regarding leaving your marriage, or it wasn’t up to you.  Maybe you both knew this was not going to get better.  Whatever your situation, I’m sharing what I wish I knew before separating a long time ago.  FWIW, I left my marriage and it was not an option when that became clear to me.

  1. I wish I saw a lawyer before I made any moves.  Laws are different in different states.  DISREGARD if you are in an abusive situation.  If you feel unsafe, you need to correct that NOW.  If you do feel safe, ask around about divorce attorneys to help you, and to get an intro into what you will be dealing with moving forward.  If you have a fairly good relationship with your soon-to-be-ex, look into the collaborative divorce process.  This could save you thousands.  There are tons of lawyers out there that take part in collaborative divorce.  Unfortunately, this route didn’t work for me, but it has worked very well for friends of mine.
  2. I wish I didn’t have a lot of the expectations about divorce.  My friend’s divorce was much different than my own.  Not all husbands are going to think about the kids first.  Many will try and hurt you emotionally, mentally, and financially as their first priority.  If your partner has been this way during arguments, beware and be prepared for this to get much worse through a divorce.  Google ‘narcissist’.
  3. I wish that I had some money saved for myself before I separated, or wish I knew that this would be very stressful at times.  If you have a parent or family member or friend that could potentially help you, reach out to them.  If you can set aside some funds for you to survive and move along before you part ways, do it.
  4. I wish I wasn’t always worrying about what everyone else thought of me during the divorce.  Especially when it came to asking for what I was entitled to. Ask for what you deserve and what you think is fair.  If you have kids, you do what is best for them, and protect yourself in the process.  Treat your divorce as a business, and protect yourself and your children above everything.
  5. I wish I had changed the passwords to my private (not joint) accounts before I announced my intentions to leave the marriage.
  6. I wish I knew that most of “our” friends would end up being awkward friends and ultimately strangers.I wish I knew that my kids would indeed be alright, and that it depends on your priorities and happiness.
  7. Finally, I wish that I knew that life would be exponentially better, and never to doubt this.
Follow Jennifer:
Hey! Hi! An-yong-ha-sae-oh! I’m Jenn, and I am here to share what has worked for me (and what hasn’t) while going through my separation, divorce, remarriage, and blended family. Wow, that's a lot, but I've been through a lot and here is where I share it with you!

2 Responses

  1. Jennifer Smith
    | Reply

    Definitely! Wading through this legal territory is overwhelm within the overwhelm. In my case an annulment was the goal – divorce was to good for him – a green card scamming narcissistic sociopath – and not good enough for me. Everyone told me getting an annulment would be impossible. Even the attorneys said this to me. I understand now that attorneys office and take the side of caution. They don’t want to promise something that maybe they can’t pull off. And I realized it’s up to me to find the proof of whatever it is I’m trying to win in a court case. Attorneys do not hunt down evidence, that’s up to us. And boy did I! Within the report I had to make to immigration – more than 360 pages of proof of his behavior, fiancé s, wives, women he lived with, kids I knew nothing about when we married, Women he was dating… All of this going on from the first moment I said hello to me became parts of my annulment hearing evidence. I even subpoenaed someone he been dating. She agreed to come to court but I took new chances and I recommend that none of us take the chance of someone saying they’ll show up in court. Take it all the way and subpoena people even if it’s a friend. This makes it look like we take the situation seriously to the judge. And remember this, this was amazing to me what was the thing that affected the judges decision in my favor had nothing to do with what is technically meant to be used as consideration for being granted and annulment or not. The moment it went absolutely my way was win in court I was making a statement and said, “… and Ithen found about out about a woman he lives with and a wife and his four children – “ The judge leaned forward down to the place I sat, taking his glasses off, incredulous as he said, “Four children…!?” Any judge were standing in front of us a human being and when we walk in a court room they know automatically based on their professional experience that one person standing in front of them is full of more untruth and badness than the other person standing in front of them automatically right when we walk in the door. And then the decisions they end up making are based on their own personal believes, they are human too so it’s based on their own life experiences and what they personally think of as important and right in life. Sure there are laws that many court decisions are not based on strictly law book written down black-and-white codes and laws. I suggest make your case, make it solid, make it human and know you will win. Make a determination to win what it right and fair no matter what. This carries through.

    • Jennifer
      | Reply

      Wow, thank you for sharing – it’s absolutely amazing what so many have gone through! I wish I had a support system of others like yourself when I was battling alone and when it was in the beginning stages…that is the worst part. I really thought I was weak and that he was all-powerful. But that is not the case – it’s just how they want you to feel. I know you learned a lot from your ordeal…thank you for putting it out there – and good for you!!

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