When we feel betrayed, hurt, or upset – some of us (#shootshandinair) will cave inward into the feeling of ‘not enough’. Whether you’ve been slighted by a partner, friend, or something has happened at work – there is a feeling of anger, sadness, betrayal or frustration that then starts moving into a feeling of victim mentality. Why did this happen to me? Why does this always happen? God I am so stupid that I let that happen! WTF is wrong with me? (Unless you’re a narcissist, and of course – then it’s everyone else’s fault…am I right? ;)).
I still sometimes get sucked into talking to myself negatively when things don’t go in a direction that I would have liked. If you have ever been in bullying relationships (parent, partner, whatever) – this negative self-talk can be constant (this is what we were told for so long!), and we don’t even realize we are doing it. After going through my own toxic relationships, I believe the number one thing that has given me the ability and power to succeed, is practicing a kindness to myself. Truly, the only thing preventing you from moving forward and having a happy life, is you. Blaming is easy to do – let’s put this heap of emotion on someone else’s shoulders (at least in our minds) so we don’t have to acknowledge the total clusterf*#k going on in our heads. While we can have thoughts of ‘his fault/her fault’ scenarios – it’s more important to keep that short-lived, and make the choice to move along. Regardless of whose fault it is, really start staring your pain in the face as it’s happening. This is where a change and a shift in your life happens.
When we acknowledge and feel the pain that we are going through – we are looking deeper, and asking the bigger question of how this could be a new start.
Why am I even writing about this? Honestly, I see and hear a lot of people out there that seem to be a little too comfortable in a state of victim mentality. Some of us are continuing to stay in a state of pain (maybe not intentional) because they continue to grieve over the state of where their life is right now. There is a place for venting (it can be a very big place) and a time for it. It comes, and it should also go (think of it as a hotel stay).
I started writing about how to recognize a toxic relationship, and what to do about it. If you feel you are always getting the short end of the stick, if you’re not getting ahead of a situation, and if generally you feel you are an ‘unlucky’ person – it’s really up to you to change it. It’s easy to say right? It’s also easy to do – with practice. Sometimes it starts with faking it until you make it. Listen to what you’re thinking or telling yourself when things do not go your way.
Are you quick to turn the blame on others, on the environment, on whatever is around you? Perhaps it is someone else’s fault. Acknowledge it, (and if there is room, try and have empathy), then move forward. If you had a role to play in what has gone wrong, acknowledge this, be forgiving of yourself (we are not perfect!) and decide to move on and start fresh.
Maybe you are the opposite – perhaps you are quick to judge yourself. Quick to bully yourself about how “dumb” you are, how things always get ruined because of your decisions. This is where you need to be kind to yourself. Would you keep your friends around you if they talked to you like that? Acknowledge that you’re frustrated, but tell yourself you did the best you could. Shorten the duration of negative self-talk, and eventually get rid of it.
Don’t know quite how to switch the positivity light on in your life? Pray for it. Ask the universe to help you be more positive. Put it out there that you really want this. That is a great start. Another great start is to start paying attention to how often you re-hash and re-live the incident to yourself and to others. Do you find yourself constantly talking about the issue with friends time and time again? Start changing the subject. Better yet, start asking them how they are doing, and what’s great in their lives.
Start being kind and honest with yourself. Take deep breaths and talk to yourself the way you would comfort your own child – then just KNOW that it gets better from there, and that YOU make that happen.