Drop the guilt.
I decided to create this blog to be a resource or a shoulder for a woman that feels lost, alone, defeated, or unsupported. I started this because when I was becoming divorced with 2 small children, the only things I could find on ‘divorce support’ or ‘separation guidance’ were checklists on ‘how to know if your marriage is over’ and an endless supply of divorce lawyer ads. I knew my marriage was over. What I needed was a mentor. What I needed was a person that had made it out the other side, and could tell me it was better over there. What I needed was someone to say ‘your kids are going to be amazing people’ and not just ‘your kids will be okay’. I wished I had someone who could see that I was debilitated by guilt, worry, and old wounds from childhood, marriage, or both and didn’t realize how all of it was leading me away from happiness and who I really was, and who I still could be. I needed to talk, and feel, and know I wasn’t alone.
When you are going through a divorce, or when you are deciding to divorce – life is not balanced. You are at the bottom. The greatest thing I learned from this? You are also at the beginning.
You fall down a lot, learning to recover the identity that you may have folded up very neatly, then balled up in order to ‘try to be happy’ or ‘learn to live with’ your partner. Maybe your guilt comes from the fact that you have kids to think of, and that you truly believe you are going to completely screw them up by divorcing or separating with your spouse.
You still feel a push to gain your independence, don’t you. Guilt will try and keep you feet firmly planted where you are – almost like fear. Guilt is all consuming during this phase, no matter how you got here.
Another thing I learned (nay, practiced): Let go of that guilt. I don’t say that because I believe it’s what you need to hear – but I say it with 100%-this-worked-for-me intention. You need to get over the guilt, hold your head up and persist forward. Why? For starters, if you don’t, you will parent like you are doing something wrong. Your kids will sense it and feel insecure. YOU will feel insecure. That isn’t you – it’s not authentic. Get over the guilt. Whether you left, or your partner left – this is happening. Good for you if you tried to repair your marriage. You tried, it didn’t work, and you are here now. You are only a victim if you think you are. So, please. Take a deep breath – exhale the guilt, and turn your chin upward. If your purpose is to be a happier person, to find your joy, to open windows that you haven’t opened in a long time, then the only guilt you should have is that you didn’t do it sooner. You are a better everything when you pursue what you are passionate about (and hey – I’m not talking about a another partner here – I’m talking about what drives you and what you get excited about). You are confident, more complete. Your children see and feel it – you are authentic when you seek what you want without the need to justify. You are worth it. Be your authentic self.